A person who gets along with everyone. How to find a common language with a person. Ability to find a common language

Ability to find mutual language with people is sometimes necessary for each of us. This ability can be useful in personal life and even in extreme situations. However, how to find a common language with people, and especially in situations where many people sometimes do not want to make contact at all?

1. Even if you are sure that you can find a common language with a particular person or even become his friend, still do not ask for friends.
2. Concentrate on the person you are talking to. Try to understand his motives, thoughts. You need to determine what he thinks about and what he strives for.
3. No need to be afraid to get acquainted first. Pay attention to how easy it is sometimes for children to get to know each other. Take the initiative in your own hands if you see that a person is ready to communicate. Start a conversation on any popular topic that may be of interest to him (study, work, sports, cars) and just chat.
4. Don't forget to listen to your interlocutor. You should express your thoughts about certain things, but you must not forget to listen, especially not worth arguing, and therefore it is better not to start conversations on topics that can provoke an argument (for example, politics or religion).
5. Do not criticize the interlocutor. Even if you notice his flaws, remember that no one is perfect. Moreover, even if a thought flashed through your head about some specific minus of your new acquaintance, it is better to discard it immediately and concentrate on the merits of a person.
6. Finally, don't forget about yourself. You probably have a lot in common with your friends, you just need to "grab the thread." The main thing is that you feel that this person is ready to communicate with you. If not, then it’s better not to suck up, it is quite possible that a little later your acquaintances will go to chat. Just give them time.

How to find a common language with the mother-in-law?

Very often there are cases when two beloved and loving women begin to divide one man. And their roles are completely different. One of them is a mother, the second is a wife. The constant struggle between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law seems to be as endless as the struggle between children and fathers. It does not make sense at all, since it can only destroy families, break destinies and leave people alone. Is it possible to find a common language between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law? Can. Let's look at some of the most common problems in their relationship and give them a solution.

1. Very often a wife does not want to share her husband with his mother. Many women believe that after marriage, or even before it, after a certain time, a man should go under the full custody of his wife. However, it should be remembered that a mother will always remain a mother. Therefore, you should not forbid a man to communicate with her as much as he wants.
2. If you already have children, then you should not forbid your mother-in-law to see them. On the contrary, leave your grandmother with her grandchildren more often. And she will be glad, and you will have more time.
3. There is no need to start a dispute or conflict if a man decides to spend the weekend with his mother. Maybe she needs his help, maybe she just wants to see him. The best way out in this situation would be to spend the weekend together.
4. If you don’t have much sympathy for your sparkling, still try to understand her as a person, find common ground and make friends with her. Treat her well, help with the housework, communicate with her. Perhaps the mother-in-law will make contact, and you will build a good relationship

How to find a common language with the wife's parents?

Having considered the problems of relationships with the mother-in-law and their solution, it is impossible not to mention how to find a common language with the wife's parents. After all, if a woman usually encounters only her husband's mother, then a man more often has to find a common language with both of his wife's parents, since they always pay close attention to him.

1. When meeting, be smiling, courteous, answer jokes with jokes. If you are invited to dinner or dine together, then at the first time of acquaintance, do not rush to refuse, because they want to get to know you better. Try to find time for joint lunches and dinners.
2. React calmly to reproaches and criticism from your parents, because there is nothing wrong with being criticized. If the criticism is objective - listen, if not - you can just laugh it off or calmly prove your case.
3. Ask what hobbies your wife's parents have. It will be great if you give them gifts that suit their tastes.
4. It is best to find out in advance what topics the wife's parents like to talk about, and which ones they don't. Try to avoid conflicting topics such as politics, religion, war and conquest.
5. Feel free to shine with knowledge or show that you don’t know or don’t know how to do something. At the same time, never be conceited or put yourself in a stupid position.

How to find a common language with a younger brother?

Usually, difficulties in communicating with younger brothers occur when the latter are still teenagers. In fact, finding a common language with many of them is not difficult.

1. To begin with, it will be useful to learn about the interests of your brother, to try to understand them. Even if you fail to imbue his hobbies, you can not criticize them, only if they are not dangerous for him.
2. In no case do not complain about your brother to your parents, do not constantly put the blame on him.
3. Try to turn to your brother for advice more often. This will surely please him.
4. Of course, you need to spend more time with your brother. Surely you will find common interests, you can watch films that are interesting to him, play games together, play sports. Surely your brother can teach you a lot, and you can teach him!

Like I speak Russian. And around me are not foreigners. I feel like no one understands me. And how to communicate with them is not clear.

Take, for example, your husband. Probably twenty times already dripped on the brain: “Vasya, fix the tap! Vasya, fix the faucet!” Well, how else to say? Did I say something incomprehensible? Does not help. But I know for sure that about once in the fiftieth I run the risk of waiting for him to simply slam his fist on my back with a psycho. There was already a case ... Here's how, in general, you can find a common language with this person, huh ?!

And my daughter is no better. Some kind of fifa is growing, forever "in the image." Getting ready for kindergarten every morning is a real torment. First, we change our blouses a hundred times, because “this one is not so pretty, but that one lacks shiny rhinestones.” I explain in normal Russian: frost in the yard! What strasses? A warm, practical sweater is needed. And she is in tears.

The road to the kindergarten is a real hard labor. Here are some other words to explain that we are late?! “Ah, look how the snowflakes shine here! Oh, what kind of cat is running, she’s probably cold, let’s take her home? My teeth are already grinding with a gnashing, but this is not at all from the cold.

Mother-in-law is just a separate song. Unfortunately, not without words. Just words there, well, a lot, rumbles like a magpie. And it still languishes over my missus, as if it were him going to the kindergarten in the morning: “How are you, Vasenka, my golden one? It's cold outside, don't forget to wear a scarf!

I tried to hint at my own head that a grown man does not have to call his mother thirty times a day. His nostrils flared, and his jaw protruded forward: “How can you?! It's MOM!!!" All right, put out the light, I can't take it anymore.

In the swamp of misunderstanding

In fact, relationships between people often collapse precisely because of the inability to understand each other. Due to misunderstanding, the husband disagrees with his wife, or the children stop communicating with their parents. And to understand how to communicate with a mother-in-law or mother-in-law is generally beyond reality, a task not for the faint of heart.

It often happens that only sitting at the already broken trough, we begin to ask questions: “Why do people not want to communicate with me? Why did my daughter stop talking to me, or why does my son ignore my calls? How to find a common language with parents?

In such a situation, it is very painful for us: after all, often it is a break with the closest and dearest people.

Why don't we understand each other

Indeed, sometimes it seems that we speak different languages. Why is this happening?

The fact is that we are arranged in the same way only externally: everyone has legs, arms and a head. But a man lives by his thoughts and desires, values ​​and attitudes, innate inclinations and natural qualities. In a word, his psyche. And here we are completely different, since the set of our natural qualities and properties, which are called vectors in Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, is different for everyone.

However, without a systematic perception of the psyche of another person, we cannot understand the reasons and motives for his actions, they seem strange to us. After all, we see them and try to evaluate it through ourselves. “Here I would, for example… If I were in his place, I would never… Is it really incomprehensible to him that…”

Of course he doesn't understand. It is different and arranged differently.

There is simply no other way than to figure out how we are arranged. Do you want to know how to communicate with people? Then let's start!

Vasenka-slow-moving

Here is Vasenka in front of us. By the way, best husband and father. He was not seen in adultery, he blows dust off his daughter. True, sometimes it sticks to its sofa so that you can’t pull it off with ticks. And he always puts off repairing the notorious faucet until tomorrow.

Vasenka needs a certain approach. This person is naturally slow and unhurried, it takes him more time to complete the task than the rest. But if you don’t pull and rush him, be sure that no one can handle the repair of the crane better than him. Because it works the same way: slowly, carefully and efficiently, "on the conscience".

For such a person, gratitude and respect are very important. Especially within the framework of his family: after all, as Yuri Burlan's system-vector psychology explains, it is vital for the owner to feel that he is the real master in the house.

Bullet Wife

But his wife, the owner, sees Vasya in a completely different way. For her, he is a “brake” and “well, how many more times to repeat.” She evaluates him through her own qualities: she is naturally fast, dexterous, appreciates time and saves resources.

She endlessly pulls and urges Vasya, and he falls into a stupor even more from this. In addition, instead of gratitude and respect, he constantly stumbles upon the "chainsaw Friendship" in the face of his own girlfriend in life. When Vasya's patience (very long, but not infinite) finally bursts, the wife gets the dubious pleasure of seeing the "dark side of the anal vector" - assault.

Cotton-eyed daughter

And maybe both would have spat and fled, but children appear in the family. In our case, a sweet, unearthly creature with wide eyes.

"Oh, what beautiful flower! Oh what a blue sky! - such bright colors the life of a little owner is watching. Our "sweet family couple" is unaware that they have a future actress or artist, ballerina or designer. With a favorable upbringing, such a girl may well grow into a deeply compassionate person, capable of actively helping the sick and weak.

But without a systemic perception, a practical skin mother sees in her simply a fool unadapted to life, who cannot even understand that in winter you need to dress warmly, and not beautifully. And her dad scares her from time to time, as a joke. True, after these jokes, the emotional and hypersensitive spectator is frightened not only by the darkness, but even by her own shadow.

There is no demand, but no one canceled the consequences

In fact, until we realize psychological features not only other people, but even our own, there is no demand from us. After all, no one taught us the basics of psychological literacy at school.

Nonetheless Negative consequences we receive in full. We do not know how to find a common language with a person, because we do not understand how he lives and breathes. What features does it have by nature.

And we pay with the breakup of the family, the loss of relationships with children and even our social realization. We also work among people.

The only alternative to these losses is our psychological literacy, the ability to see another person as he is.

Educational program for a happy life

The main result of the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan is the ability to live happily among other people, it is easy to find a common language. They have already left their feedback on how easy it has become for them to understand their children and marriage partners, friends and colleagues.

After the training, the barriers between us collapse, and communication begins to bring pleasure:

We are aware of the reasons and motives for the actions of our parents, and this helps us get rid of the long-term burden of mutual claims and insults:

Relationships in a couple begin to be built on the basis of a deep understanding of the characteristics of a partner and bring mutual happiness:

We become able to understand our children, realize their innate properties and talents, and we grow happy and fulfilled personalities:

Are you interested in how to communicate with an adult child? Or maybe you can’t figure out how to find a common language with your parents? Don't know how to communicate with your mother-in-law, mother-in-law or a harsh boss at work?

In systems-vector psychology there are answers to any such question. Register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

"The most important component in the formula for success is the ability to find a common language with people"
Theodore Roosevelt

We all know the role that the ability to communicate with people plays in our Everyday life how important it is to have effective communication skills in various situations and in establishing contact with different categories of people.

Any communication process includes a verbal and non-verbal component. In the first case, speech is used to communicate, and in the second, we are helped to communicate. Have you thought about what is the most significant difference between a person and other living beings? This is the ability to interact through verbal communication.

With such a richness as speech, yet most people have difficulty in establishing quality contact with other people. Social psychology and personality psychology have accumulated a huge knowledge base about styles, barriers, communication mechanisms, which became the basis for creating effective ways communication. Learn how to communicate effectively with people effective exercises and advice from a psychologist, which you will find in this article.

If you want to find a specific answer to the question of how to communicate with people, carefully study the advice of a psychologist below. They will help you understand how psychology offers to establish positive contact, as well as understand what mistakes you should not make in communication.

• Get over your subjectivity. It is important for you to realize that each of us has an individual picture of the world. It is formed under the influence of personal life experience, which we receive from the outside world with the help of the senses. Each of us interprets all events based on our own views and beliefs. Consider this fact in a conversation, try to consider the topic of conversation from different points of view.
• Talk less, listen more. Statistical studies show that most people like to talk much more with a person who pays more attention to the interlocutor, and not to himself. Showing a sincere interest in the thoughts and feelings of another in a conversation, you gain his favor. You can be sure that this person will show a reciprocal interest in you in the future.
• Ask open-ended questions. Try to ask more questions that do not require a simple one-word answer, but give the interlocutor the opportunity to express their opinion. For example, instead of asking "Do you like this movie?" ask "What movies do you like?". Open questions will help to establish contact with a stranger in situations where, for various reasons, it is difficult to find a “common language”.
• Show that you can be trusted. One of the most powerful rules for effective communication is to make eye contact during a conversation. Looking into the eyes of the interlocutor, you let him understand and feel your interest and honesty. If you avoid direct eye contact or constantly lower your eyes, then the person regards this as a signal of insecurity or lies.
• Favorite sound - sound own name. An important element effective communication psychology calls the appeal to the interlocutor by name. The name carries a strong energy charge, is an element of self-identification. Addressing a person by name, you increase his self-esteem and dispose to a more trusting relationship. If appropriate, you can use the name in a diminutive form. It is much more pleasant to hear “Helen, do you know…?” instead of the usual "dry" question.
• Expand your horizons. Comprehensively developed person with a wide range of interests and deep knowledge in different areas it is much easier to establish positive contact with people of different worldviews and professional orientations. This is especially true for people who, by virtue of their activities, face a large number of different people.
• Relax and trust the interlocutor. Many people are held back in building trust by constant self-control or the desire to impress. The well-known rule “be yourself” has not been canceled, so in the process of interacting with other people, try to switch your attention to the interlocutor and his thoughts.
• Concentrate on the conversation. During a conversation, do not perform any other actions in parallel: do not write in a notebook, do not watch TV. Your interlocutor will definitely notice this and think that he is indifferent to you and regard your behavior as a hint to end the conversation.

Exercise "Learning to mute projections"

Professional psychology uses the term "projection" when a person tries to attribute to other people the qualities inherent in himself. For example, you love the attention of other people, try to produce good impression. At the same time, you can consider that everyone is trying to do everything in order to "show off" in front of others.

All these are stereotypes that arise from the inability to consider the situation from different points of view and deeply understand other people.

Projections cannot be completely suppressed, but they can be muted. Every time you feel like you are "imposing" your point of view, or in your conclusions proceed only from your own vision, try to engage in a comprehensive analysis of the personality of another. This will help you better understand his motives and desires. We learn to analyze personality according to the following scheme:

Character:

• individual character traits, their manifestation;
• attitude to career, work and money;

Capabilities:

• Creative skills;
• intellectual level;
• technical ability;

Volitional qualities:

• persistence;
• purposefulness;
• feeling of inner freedom.

Interests:

• common interests;
• hobby;
• destructive tendencies.

Moral qualities:

• attitude towards other people;
• the ability to love and empathize;
• whether it contributes to society through its activities.

Exercise "Overcome Communication Barriers"

Often in communication we experience a sense of alienation and are faced with “stagnation”, when we simply do not know what to talk about with a particular person. All these troubles are often associated with a fear of communication. It is a product of the fear of being rejected and misunderstood.

Especially often this is faced by people who lead, and they need to communicate with different people every day. But the more you expand your circle of acquaintances, the faster the understanding comes that these are empty fears.

Set a goal during the day to communicate with 15 different people through different ways of communication:

• with 4 people - by phone;
• with 4 people - using Skype (with webcam);
• with 5 strangers - in a store or on the street;
• with 2 close people about something very important.

During this exercise, use the advice of a psychologist that you have already studied. This will help you realize that a common language can be found with any person if you master the principles of effective communication.

More tips for effective communication.

I could never find a common language with my parents, and in general, to be honest, with people. Well, of course - you can talk about the weather with friends and with unfamiliar people. But when I start to decide something, even some trifle, especially with close people, everything goes awry. Either I speak incomprehensibly, or something ... Well, they don’t understand me. And it infuriates me - I just turn to screaming. And I understand that this is wrong. But I can't stop. And the nerves are on edge. Already the eye began to twitch. What to do? How to calm down and how to learn to easily find a common language, so that without psychos and nerves?

In your question, you very correctly placed the accents - indeed, the problem lies not in other people who do not respond to your words, but in ourselves. Because it is we who fail to convey our idea by formulating it correctly.

And a cry, an irritated conversation in raised tones is always a reaction not to your interlocutor, but to your own internal states. The most interesting thing is that screaming in this situation not only does not help, but on the contrary, exacerbates the problem. After all, shouting does not work to improve your condition, get rid of irritation, shortages, stress.

How to find a common language with people in life without shouting and swearing?

Think for yourself - if the other person does not understand the meaning of the words spoken in a calm voice, then it is unlikely that it will reach him if you shout the same thing. Yes, yelling is psychologically overwhelming, which can lead to the other person simply agreeing with you without even understanding what you are asking for. But there is a possibility that he will start shouting back, defending his innocence. In any of these cases, the cry does not help to find a common language with people, but on the contrary, it drives us into the abyss of misunderstanding and hostility. Relationships, as a rule, deteriorate after such communication, and it is very difficult to fix them.

The ability to find a common language with others is also a skill. And it can be learned. Almost every modern adult is capable of this. You have already taken the first step towards this - you have recognized that the problem is in you. This is a huge step that most of us do not overcome in a lifetime.

Why we do not understand each other- not otherwise, because we communicate in different languages ​​​​or dialects, then how to find a common language; maybe I don't understand you because I'm dumb and you're deaf; or we are both deaf and dumb, and even blind ... or maybe we just don’t want to, we don’t know how to understand each other ...

One way or another, without understanding between two or more people, without finding a common language for communication and interaction: whether in the family, with parents, children and adolescents, at work, in society and politics, in love and friendship - people will not be able to constructively solve common, work and business, personal and family problems, establish harmonious relationships, simply, they will not be able to communicate normally: love, make friends, raise children, grow personally and build a career or business.

Why do people not understand each other, speaking the same, but not a common language

Problems of misunderstanding between people, frequent contradictions, quarrels and conflicts, can be not only due to banal psychological incompatibility, but also in the inability to listen, and most importantly, to hear the interlocutor; inability to perceive children's speech; unwillingness to treat with understanding and empathy the desires and needs of another person.

Often, the egocentrism left from youth, or the heightened own psychological defense "projection", coupled with the accentuation of character and the difference in the interhemispheric asymmetry of the brain, make people do not understand each other, although they communicate, speak the same language and dialect.

But the key place in this problem is occupied by the personal worldview of each individual, his model of the world, a deep conviction about himself, others and the world as a whole, as well as the main representative (sensory) system of a person associated with perception, i.e. vision (visual) , hearing (auditory), and touch (kinesthetic), to the latter one can add taste and smell.

How to learn to understand each other and how to find a common language

Often, trying to convey, as it seems to us, useful information, in the form of advice and recommendations, to the interlocutor, instead of gratitude, we meet, at best, indifference, and even hostility.

This happens because we, as it were, drive our thoughts and ideas into someone else's, sometimes closed consciousness, trying to break through someone else's perception, someone else's shell. Such an action is perceived as an attack, as a threat.

What to do? How to learn to understand each other and find a common language?

The first thing we can do is take our time and look at our interlocutor, or rather, at his body language. With the help of facial expressions, gestures and postures, you can determine how a person relates to your information.

Second, you need to define its representational system, i.e. who is our interlocutor: visual, auditory or kinesthetic.

And on the basis of the received data about your counterpart, it is possible to build bridges of constructive dialogue and communication, i.e. you can solve joint tasks and problems, as well as introduce your thoughts and ideas.

But first, before studying another person, you need to determine your own body language and leading sensory system.

If you learn how to do this, if you can find a common body language and match the representative system of the interlocutor, then you will easily communicate and interact, i.e. understand each other.

In the next article, you will learn how to find