How to survive the death of a loved one: recommendations from psychologists, stages of grief and features. How to survive the grief associated with the loss of a loved one Strength and patience to survive grief

Human beings face many losses throughout their lives. Loss is not only death, it is also the loss of a relationship.

What losses and losses have you faced in your life?

Participants identified the following losses in their lives:

Loss of relationship, trust, ambition, former place of residence, job, opportunity, loved one, friend, body parts, expectations, pet, interest, former way of life, wealth, things, information, meaning, health, vitality, abilities, security , beauty, freedom, love, social rank, status, faith, ideals, memory, part of yourself, your "I".

Fedor Vasilyuk writes that surviving grief is one of the most mysterious actions of the soul. How miraculously will a person devastated by loss manage to be reborn and fill his world with meaning? How can he, confident that he has forever lost the joy and desire to live, be able to restore peace of mind, feel the colors and taste of life? How is suffering melted into wisdom? All these are not rhetorical figures of admiration for the strength of the human spirit, but pressing questions, to know the specific answers to which you need, if only because sooner or later we all have to, whether by professional or human duty, console and support grieving people, help to survive grief.

The process of experiencing loss is called the work of grief. The work of grief is a natural process in which the body strives for balance, healing its wounds, both physical and mental. Help may lie in eliminating anything that might interfere with this natural process. I burn, like a wound, it is necessary to “let it breathe”, protect it from repeated injuries ... Thus, just like with bodily injuries, the process of healing a spiritual wound has its own laws. Knowledge of these patterns can serve as a support for us, allowing us to gain an understanding of the experience of loss. It is important to understand that experiencing loss is not a linear process, some stages begin at the same time as others, experiences come and go in waves or jumps and influxes.

The process of experiencing loss and grief

The process of experiencing grief and loss, stages and stages are described in the literature in different ways. The picture combines the stages of grief according to Ned Kassem and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

The essence and meaning of mourning is memory, remembrance, remembrance or remembrance. Grief is not only a feeling, it is also a human condition and a phenomenon. In the animal kingdom, animals do not bury their fellows. There is only an opinion (it is not known whether this is a myth or reality) that elephants cover their dead relatives with branches. Nevertheless, to bury, that is, to preserve, to keep, means to be a man. On the psychological level, the meaning of the ritual of grief is not splitting off, not tearing away the lost object from oneself, but the assimilation of the image of this object in memory and soul. Human grief is not destructive (to forget, tear off, separate), but constructive, it is designed not to scatter, but to collect, not to destroy, but to create - to create memory.

Survive Grief - Mind Acceptance

As in any unexpected event, grief and loss are unexpected, even if we seemed to be ready and expecting loss, it is still expected, but still a surprise. First stage grief - shock and numbness. "No" or "It can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of death. Fedor Vasilyuk notes that "the characteristic state can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average, by the 7-9th day, gradually changing to another picture." Numbness, stiffness, freezing, automatism are the most noticeable characteristics of this state. The mourner is constrained, tense, continues to perform daily activities as if “on the machine”. Breathing is difficult, superficial, a frequent desire to take a deep breath leads to intermittent, convulsive (like steps) incomplete inspiration. Common loss of appetite and sexual attraction. Often occurring muscle weakness, inactivity are sometimes replaced by minutes of fussy activity.

A person tries and cannot comprehend what happened, cannot recover from what turns his whole worldview, life or relationships upside down. The mind of the mourner is occupied with experiences, attempts to evaluate what happened. The perception of external reality is dulled, sometimes even a person does not feel physical pain well, does not feel the taste of food, forgets about hygiene. Sometimes there are gaps in memories after this period.

Once I heard the story of a little boy who, together with his father, accompanied his mother to the station. The boy cried and worried a lot, his mother was leaving, and the child perceived the departure as a huge loss. A little later, about six months later, while riding a trolley bus past the station, dad asked the boy: “Remember, we saw off mom, and you cried here?” “No,” answered the boy, “I have never been here” ...

The first strong feeling that breaks through the veil of numbness and deceptive indifference is often anger or aggression. It is unexpected, incomprehensible to the person himself, he is afraid that he will not be able to contain it. Sometimes it happens that with our mind we understand that “you can’t be angry, offended”, but still we feel anger or resentment because the deceased “left me”.

Another step in this stage of mourning is the desire to return the lost and the denial of the fact of the irretrievability of the loss. It is difficult to single out the time limits of this step, since it continues in waves in the next stages of grief. On average, they allocate 5-12 days after the news of death. At this time, the mind seems to be playing with us, while frightening with visions of the deceased - then we suddenly see him in the subway and immediately feel a prick of fright - “he is dead”, then suddenly a phone call, a thought flashes - he is calling, then we hear his voice is on the street, but he rustles his slippers in next room… Such visions, woven into the context of external impressions, are quite common and natural, but they frighten, being taken for signs of impending madness. It is important to understand that this is a normal course of grief, at this time the mind takes attempts to come to terms with the loss, to comprehend it.

Sometimes the mourner speaks about the deceased in the present tense, and not in the past, for example, “he / she is such a good cook (and did not cook)”, if this happens a month or more after the loss, then there is a delay in the stage of understanding and acceptance mind. Stuck at the stage of shock and denial can also be indicated by the fact that a person keeps the things of the departed intact, continues to mentally communicate with him.

What is important to do

Important at this stage give vent to feelings without pushing, without "picking" a fresh wound. Not to hush up, but also not to force feelings, to be able to talk about what is happening and be able to be distracted. For loved ones of a grieving person, it is sometimes important to obtain information about the features of the stage. This can reduce feelings of confusion and provide a more adequate perception of the suffering person's behavior.

At this stage, it may be necessary for someone to simply take care of physical condition person, because he can forget to eat, sleep badly, it happens that people go to bed without undressing, etc.

Remember the period of the first days after the loss? What was important to you at that moment? Most often answered - real help friends, relatives, to come, help cook, deal with documents, cook food, etc.

Survive grief - acceptance by feelings

Then comes the stage of acceptance by feelings, or it is also called - the phase of acute grief, a period of despair, suffering and disorganization. Duration - up to 6-7 weeks from the moment of the tragic event.

Preserved, and at first may even intensify, various bodily reactions - difficult shortened breathing: asthenia: muscle weakness, loss of energy, a feeling of heaviness of any action; feeling of emptiness in the stomach, tightness in the chest, lump in the throat: increased sensitivity to odors; decrease or unusual increase in appetite, sexual dysfunctions, sleep disturbances (F. Vasilyuk).

This is the time of the most intense suffering, acute mental pain. A huge number of heavy, unbearable, sometimes strange and frightening feelings and thoughts appear. These are feelings of meaninglessness, despair, emptiness, a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness.

Acute grief affects relationships with others, work and daily activities. During this period, it is difficult to concentrate on hard work, a person is simply not able to fulfill it, it is difficult to concentrate, bring it to the end, etc. For example, it is difficult, almost impossible for a psychologist in a state of acute grief to engage in psychotherapy, since their own experiences leave an imprint on relationships with clients.

In a period of acute grief, his experience becomes the leading activity of a person. Recall that the leading activity in psychology is the activity that occupies a dominant position in a person’s life and through which his personal development is carried out. For example, a preschooler both works, helping his mother, and learns, memorizing letters, but not work and study, but play is his leading activity, in it and through it he can do more, learn better. It is the sphere of his personal growth. For the mourner, grief during this period becomes the leading activity in both senses: it constitutes the main content of all his activity and becomes the sphere of development of his personality. Therefore, the phase of acute grief can be considered critical in relation to the further experience of grief, and sometimes it acquires special significance for everything. life path(F.Vasilyuk).

Sometimes a person can get stuck in feelings of anger, such as looking for blame, blaming the medical staff, constantly thinking about revenge, or becoming angry and irritable.

Sometimes a person cannot get out of depression, does not allow himself to rejoice, because the departed cannot rejoice. Feels alienated from others. Often, emotional problems develop into somatic ones, health deteriorates, a person goes into illness. Wanderings for doctors begin, search medical care, but in fact the person does not want healing.

What is important to do

Just like in the previous stage - very important expression of feelings. It's not easy to do. It is difficult even to sit next to, to be close to a suffering, grieving person. You want to leave, go out, console or distract and isolate yourself from the intense suffering of another. A grieving person can experience a variety of feelings - and pain, sadness, grief, anger, anger, guilt and shame for himself, etc. He can condemn himself for his negative emotions. It is important to give them a place, to give without judgment, with acceptance. It was not in vain that earlier there were mourners at the funeral, whose crying helped to express feelings to loved ones, helped to “cry”.

If it is not possible to verbally express feelings (not everyone can do this), you can use non-verbal means: drawing, movement or dance, playing on musical instruments(albeit on a harmonica, it allows you to focus on breathing and nothing else), working with clay, knitting, embroidery.

Reducing the severity of feelings contributes to physical activity with "emotional" intent. At one of the workshops we discussed an excerpt from Diana Arcangel's book Life After Loss, in which she writes that it doesn't matter what kind of activity you engage in. Intention and emotions matter. You can wash the dishes, do the cleaning in the house with the experience of pain and grief. Have you noticed how things change emotional condition after cleaning? Diana shares her experience like this:

Once, while working in a hospice, I witnessed a scene that vividly reminded me of my past: an elderly man who was dying of cancer came to visit his wife and daughter. The stress that overwhelmed me was very strong. I hurried to the dining room. Tam grabbed a rag and began to furiously rub the tables, giving a burst of energy and muttering: “It hurts me terribly, dad, that you died this way. How terrible that we were alone in our suffering. If only they knew then about the hospice”, etc. When the tables were finished, I took up the mirrors with the same zeal, releasing my feelings and energy. When, finally, I completely calmed down, the room was cleaned to a shine.

And more importantly forgiving yourself. Grief is almost always associated with guilt, irrational guilt and non-irrational. A person may feel guilty for the insults that he inflicted on the departed, as well as for the fact that he is alive and admires the sunset, eats, drinks, listens to music, and a loved one died. Here it is important not to convince yourself (or the person experiencing the loss) that he is not to blame, as a rule, this is impossible, but to forgive yourself.

Surviving Grief - Forming a New Identity

This phase of grief is also called the “residual shocks and reorganization” phase. Life begins to get back on track, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored.

The experience of grief is no longer a leading activity, it proceeds in the form of frequent at first, and then more and more rare separate shocks, such as occur after the main earthquake. Such residual grief attacks can be as acute as in the previous phase, and subjectively perceived as even more acute against the background of normal existence. The reason for them most often are some dates, traditional events (“ New Year first time without him”, “spring for the first time without him”, “birthday”) or events Everyday life(“offended, there is no one to complain to”, “a letter addressed to him”). This phase, as a rule, lasts for a year: during this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and then begin to repeat themselves. The death anniversary is the last date in this series. Perhaps it is no coincidence that most cultures and religions set aside one year for mourning (F. Vasilyuk).

Gradually, the loss enters life, is comprehended. Sadness appears, which is also called “light”.

I'm sad and easy; my sadness is light;
My sorrow is full of you
By you, by you alone...

excerpt from A.S. Pushkin's poem "On the Hills of Georgia"

There are more and more memories freed from pain, guilt, resentment, abandonment. Some memories become especially valuable, dear, they are sometimes woven into whole stories that are exchanged with relatives, friends, often included in the family "mythology". The material of the image of the departed, released by acts of grief, undergoes some kind of aesthetic processing...

Having experienced a loss, a person becomes a little (and sometimes a lot) different. It is important to realize and accept yourself new.

Rachel Remen gives a metaphor, that is, pain and suffering as something that transforms and remelts a person, making him different.

What is important to do

Of great importance are rituals. The rituals have a broader meaning than cultural rituals. Thus, in addition to the rituals that culture offers us, we can resort to our own special rituals. For example, Rev. Bob Dates, author of Life After Loss, suggests the ritual of writing a farewell letter to a departed loved one. My colleagues and I have identified a few simple rules for such a letter:

• Title and address (you can address both a person and something that has been lost (place of residence, for example).
• It is important to reflect in the letter how I see life going forward (or how I live without it or without it).
• You need to turn to what is no longer in life.
• Sign.

Helps many to alleviate the experience of loss diary. Write about your thoughts, feelings, your pain and experiences. After a while, you can re-read what was written, supplement, comprehend, ask yourself questions:

• What has changed over this period of time?
• Which feelings have become sharper, which, on the contrary, are gone?
• What has loss taught me? What can I say thank you for?
• How have I changed, what have I become, having gone through this ordeal?
• How do I see my future now?

Strength and love to all who are grieving now.

Human tears, oh human tears,
You pour early and late sometimes ...
Flowing unknown, flowing invisible,
Inexhaustible, innumerable, -
Pour like rain streams pour
In autumn deaf sometimes night.

Living the loss is just as important how much of a taboo topic. The grieving response is triggered when we experience any significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the loss of an identity. So, mourning accompanies emigration, job change, and indeed any change in status - like the appearance chronic disease. Even if it is not fatal, the person still loses the expected future, which causes heavy feelings.

Our society avoids everything related to death and loss - and the topic of grief because of this also turns out to be closed. Almost everything we are used to in the context of experiencing loss turns out to be an unproductive way to cope with what happened. Those who are faced with a breakup are advised to quickly throw out all things and common photos and start looking for a new partner. Those who are injured, ill, or have lost their jobs are told to “be happy with what we have.” And it is generally difficult to talk about death or a fatal illness, preferring not to mention something that can cause an acute reaction.

It is generally accepted that grief after the death of a loved one, divorce or separation after a long relationship lasts at least a year and a half, and often several years - although the severity of experiences, of course, dulls over time. Mourning is a long process, but it is important to live it in order to return yourself to yourself.

Stages of grief

Everyone is well aware of the scheme of grief by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, according to which there are from five to twelve stages - as in this picture. The five most commonly heard are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The Kubler-Ross model is good for professionals in the helping professions who are faced with the grief of others: doctors, psychologists, social workers, hospice workers, and so on. However, it is not easy to analyze your own state in this way. For example, people often stay in denial much longer than they think - for several weeks or even months. This stage, along with the shock that precedes it, is often mistaken for depression, the final stage preceding the exit from grief - because of this, a person may mistakenly assume that he will soon get better.

In addition, the stages often do not go in the sequence described above. The process of mourning is accompanied by a variety of intense feelings: guilt and shame, anger and fear. They can replace each other as you like - and any reasons that are not directly related to the loss can become a trigger for them. For example, a person who is overcome with anger after the death of a parent may be angry at a partner, at children, at acquaintances whose parents are alive, or even just at colleagues and passengers on the subway. Anger accompanies loss because something good is taken away from us: a relationship, a loved one, health, or opportunity. The world turns out to be unfair to us, and we are angry at it and at individual people in it.

Often people are unaware
that they go through a “normal” mourning process, fight with friends, break up with partners, or leave
From the job

Guilt and shame are characteristic of any traumatic experience. But when we are faced with a loss, it can spill over to other areas: for example, we may become dissatisfied with our job or appearance, decide that we are not paying enough attention to loved ones, and so on. Mourning does not always mean that a person will feel overwhelmed - he may experience bursts of extreme anxiety, even panic. This can happen even if everything bad, it would seem, has already happened - for example, he has already broken up with a partner, or a loved one has already died. Anxiety can be both tied to the cause of the loss (“I have absolutely no idea how to arrange a funeral, everything will go wrong”), and, at first glance, it is completely unrelated (“I will fail the project and I will be fired”). Only in the final stages of mourning comes a feeling of depression and depression. At this moment, it may seem to a person that, in addition to the loss, he has other realistic reasons because of which he is in decline: he did not take place in the profession, in relationships, life “failed”. Grief seems to paint everything in gloomy tones.

All this is important to know in order to better understand your feelings. Often people, not realizing that they are going through a “normal” mourning process (as far as grief can be called “normal” at all), make decisions under the influence of strong feelings overwhelming them. Fight with friends, break up with partners, leave work or berate the team when this could have been avoided. Understanding what is happening in our psyche, we can treat ourselves and loved ones more carefully.

Tasks of mourning

There is another model that is more convenient for personal use, proposed by the psychologist William Vorden and described in the translation of Varvara Sidorova. It does not rely on stages, but on the tasks of grief that the bereaved person must go through in sequence in order to return to normal life.

There are four tasks in total. The first of them can be compared with the stage of denial in the Kubler-Ross model - this is the recognition of the fact of loss and the irreversibility of the situation. In an attempt to avoid pain, our psyche tries to replace reality with an illusion, telling us that nothing seems to have changed. It is in this state that the separated partners assure everyone that they will remain friends, even go on vacation together and go to friends' parties. And a person who has been diagnosed with diabetes continues to eat fast food and sweets, without thinking about the consequences.

People whose psyche finds it difficult to cope with this task do not go to the funeral of loved ones. They can rationalize it in different ways: “I can’t take time off from work” or “I want to remember her alive (him alive).” But the meaning of the funeral, in addition to sharing grief with others, is precisely to recognize sweat and its irreversibility. This is also helped by the frightening tradition of kissing the deceased on the forehead or stroking the hand: bodily sensations help us to finally realize the death of a loved one - a dead body feels very different from a living one to the touch.

One can deny not only the loss itself, but also its significance (after all, if something is not important, it is as if it does not exist). For example, we did not get along with a deceased relative and we can say that we do not worry about his death, because the relationship was bad. Or devalue the feelings about the divorce, saying that we have already “become angry” and “burned out”, and now we just want to be glad that we are finally free. Indeed, when a relationship that is difficult for us ends or a person who has been seriously ill for a long time dies, both joy and a sense of relief can accompany the loss - this is normal. But we will grieve, even though the relationship could be bad. Losing a relationship or a person, we lose the future in which this person would be, are forced to rebuild our whole life, and also recognize that improvement is impossible.

One of the frequent manifestations of such a "stuck" is an attempt to keep the room and all the things of the deceased in their original form, as if he could return at any moment; or, for example, the fascination with spiritualism and the desire to communicate with the soul of the deceased as with a living person. The attempt to maintain the status quo after a breakup is of the same order: people deny that the content of their relationship has changed - and cannot remain the same.

It must be noted that all this applies to religious people. Even if a person believes in the afterlife, where he will meet with loved ones, he must admit that this meeting will take place only after the allotted life has passed. In such a situation, it is also necessary to restructure thinking and accept the fact of loss.

Immersed in pain, a person is afraid
that will never come out of it. In fact, everything is quite the opposite - living in pain makes a way out
from a state of doable

The second task of grief is to recognize the pain and survive it, just from this we are “protected” by the denial of loss. Indeed, this stage sometimes seems unbearable: grieving clients of psychologists often ask how long the experiences will last and whether they will end at all. Having plunged into pain, a person is afraid that he will never get out of it. In fact, everything is quite the opposite - living in pain makes it possible to get out of the state. An attempt to escape, on the contrary, forces the psyche to get stuck in this stage - sometimes for years.

Unfortunately, this way of escaping from difficult experiences is not only practiced, but even encouraged. It is believed that if a person experiences "too much" after a divorce or even after the death of a loved one, "something is wrong with him." In fact, it is uncomfortable for others to be close to a person who is faced with acute grief, because it touches their own memories of losses - perhaps never experienced. It is from this feeling that people can give “priceless” advice: a woman who has a miscarriage is told to get pregnant again as soon as possible, a newly divorced couple is told to start dating other people after two weeks, because they need to “move on”.

An attempt to "skip" this stage leads to trauma. It looks like a person very quickly recovered from the loss and began to live on. In fact, the unlived pain remained inside, and the person will “fall” into it again and again, marveling at why the theft of a bag or an unsuccessful presentation causes such a storm of heavy feelings.

The third task of grief, according to Vorden's concept, is to rebuild the way of life and its environment. Loss is life-changing: if we lose a person through death or separation, we may also lose part of our identity (“I am no longer a married person”), as well as the functions that this person performed in our life. Of course, this does not mean that relationships are reduced to functions, but the disappearance of even the most everyday things (“Husband was always repairing the car”), not to mention emotional moments, firstly, again and again reminds us of the loss, and secondly inevitably reduces the quality of life.

This task is relevant even when we lose some opportunities due to illness or injury: “I can no longer play sports for pleasure (or professionally), “I can’t give birth anymore”, “I won’t travel anymore”. After we realize the reality of this loss and experience the pain due to the fact that we were deprived of the desired future, it is time to think about how, in this case, to fill the resulting void.

You can go to this stage when the pain of loss is no longer so strong and there is an opportunity to reflect on the vital. Separated partners think with whom they would now like to communicate and spend time, go to the movies, cafes or go on vacation - and whether they want to do it alone. Adult children who have lost their elderly parents are thinking about who to turn to for advice and support. Widows and widowers are thinking about how to arrange life without a dead spouse or spouse.

Unfortunately, sometimes the third task is ahead of others or goes in parallel with them - when the person who left us performed some vital functions, for example, earned a significant part of the family budget. Again, it is generally accepted that this is a favorable factor (“But she has children, she has someone to live for”, “Now you need to look for work, but it will be distracted”). In fact, this greatly complicates mourning: instead of living through denial and then the pain of loss more smoothly, a person is forced to actively solve problems in the outside world - although he does not have internal resources for this.

It is believed that if a person is “too much” worried, then “something
not okay." In fact, it is uncomfortable for others to be close to a person who has encountered
with sharp grief

The fourth task is to change the attitude towards the person we have lost, or towards the former life and the opportunities that it gave. Despite the apparent ease, sometimes this stage lasts a long time - it all depends on how much the person managed to cope with the previous three. At this stage, we accept the fact of the loss and can develop a new attitude towards who or what we have lost. It is believed that acute sadness and pain are replaced by sadness and bright memories remain. An athlete who lost his career after a serious injury is still sad, but now he can remember the joy after winning the competition, he is proud that he had such a rich and interesting period in his life. Those who have lost a close relative remember him not with acute longing, but with sadness and gratitude for the moments they experienced. Thinking about a former partner or partner, we remember the moments we experienced together, vacations, common jokes. We feel gratitude for the fact that these relationships were in our lives, but already without acute regret that they ended.

stuck in grief

At any stage of serious loss, it is advisable to enlist the support of a psychotherapist. In grief, it is very important to find support in the outside world, to share it with another, more stable person, because at this moment we ourselves cannot be stable. But therapy is especially needed for those people who show signs of incomplete or “frozen” mourning.

Not fully lived grief can manifest itself different ways- for example, a person does not grieve at a seemingly significant loss. “I was diagnosed with asthma and had to quit basketball, but I don’t remember being very worried. I got distracted by something." "Mom died when I was in my senior year, so I didn't have time to cry - I was studying for exams." “I don’t remember the divorce. Everything was normal: they went to the registry office and got divorced. warning sign and, on the contrary, a very emotional attitude to the loss even after many years. For example, ten or fifteen years have passed, but a person is still choked with tears when he talks about a dead friend or relative. Or the couple divorced a few years ago, but the anger at the ex-partner who broke off the relationship remains just as sharp.

Self-destructive behavior, a sudden change in lifestyle immediately after a loss (for example, a sudden move, an abrupt job change, etc.) can also signal that “frozen” grief continues to affect life.

Dealing with unresolved grief is difficult on your own. You can try writing a letter to the person you've lost through a breakup or death, telling them how you feel - but don't send it. You can try other practices: keeping a diary, writing down memories - however, there is no guarantee that they will help on their own. Occasionally, they can even worsen the condition, plunging a person into too difficult memories. In any case, living through grief is important in order to move on despite the loss - and do not be afraid to seek help for this.

Society often encourages people to move away from grief too soon instead of closer to it. In other words, the person is expected to return to normal soon after a funeral or an accident. How to deal with grief for this person? Our message to people in grief usually sounds like this: "Pull yourself together and continue to live!". “But it is through the process of approaching pain that we can encourage and support,” says consultant Anton Kolganov. To say that life will be exactly the same as before the death of a loved one is unrealistic and potentially harmful "...

Grief from loss is the absence of a normal reaction. This feeling has several aspects.

Loss leads to a devastated present, as if he is a person floating on an endless sea of ​​emptiness. Griefing people are torn between a past they yearn for and a future they hope for.

If this is an acute experience of grief, then it carries the danger of developing into depression and earning from alcohol and drugs.

Loss includes:

• a part of "me" has died;
• loss of identity;
• loss of self-confidence (mourning, makes you feel abnormal and unworthy of love);
• may affect physical health;
• loss of personality: “I’m just not myself”;
• loss of security and confidence;
• loss of emotional confidence (emotional rollercoaster);
• loss of physical confidence and security (if he lost his father, then an adult role falls on him, loss of childhood and subconscious responsibility);
• financial uncertainty, financial problems (if the main earner of the family has died);
• life style: new style, without those who are lost (you need to learn how to live without the one who died);
• loss of the meaning of life (desire to live: why live on?);
• goals and dreams about the future seem broken and unattainable without a dead person;
• faith disappears (people in mourning often doubt God);
• loss of joy (the most significant emotion of life - destroyed by the death of a loved one).

When adults divorce, children experience a loss (the family collapsed, and with it the dreams and aspirations of children, confidence) are destroyed.

It is worth noting that grief and mourning are the same experience and are used as synonyms, but there is a difference between them.

Grief - thoughts and feelings that a person experiences after the death of a loved one, which we manifest and experience inside, the suppression of emotions.

Mourning (mourning) is an internal experience of grief and outward manifestation him, "woe in public". People are cured when they "give grief a voice."

“Give words to grief, if it does not speak out, the heart will be broken” (Shakespeare).

Therefore, it is important for a person to mourn the loss and experience grief in emotions. Tears (water and salt, dopamine and serotonin - the brain produces these hormones to make a person feel better, toxins leave the body). Tears are often embarrassing to others, but it is important to remember that this is nature's way of relieving internal tension, which allows the grieving person to show a need for comfort. Tears are not a sign of weakness. Everyone needs recovery time.

The right to mourn

• I have my rights to have my own unique feelings about death.
• I don't have the right to express my feelings in my own way.
• I have the right to talk about my grief whenever I want.
• I have the right to need the help of other people who are especially important to me.
• I have the right to grieve out of ordinary everyday problems.
• I have the right to have grief attacks.
• I have the right to use my beliefs about God to help me deal with my feelings.
• I have the right to try to understand why a loved one died.
• I have the right to move closer and feel my grief and be healed over time.

34 And Jacob tore his clothes, and put sackcloth on his loins, and mourned for his son many days.

The task of the consultant is to cut the godless ties to the person who no longer exists! And bind to God and other people. If a child has experienced the grief of loss, it is important to pay attention to what children draw and depict in order to analyze what state they are in.

Help me get through the grief! Crisis theories of grief and loss

There are different theories of grief, all of them are similar. Here is the theory Kubler - Ross. There is a predictable and consistent progression. Kübler Ross, in her work “On Death and Dying”, claimed that she never wanted people to literally accept the 5 stages of dying: denial, bargaining, aggression, anger, depression, acceptance. “Grief is not as predictable and consistent as we would like. Each person's grief is unique, she said. After all, people not only die in different ways, but also grieve in different ways.

However, the process of resuscitation is essential, as is helping each other through grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - 5 stages of inevitability.

Questions to Help You Go Through the Grieving Process

Who, and who was the person you lost?

How strong was your attachment?

How perfect was it for you?

To what extent was the survivor dependent on the deceased?

How did this person die?

How far away was it from you?

Was this death sudden?

Have there been losses in your life before? And if there were, how did you endure them, and what did you do to cope?

Personal information about a person.

Words that bring pain to a wounded heart:

"This death is God's will." (Maybe so it is. But the person who is told this is very hard to hear).

“You will have another child!” (This devalues ​​life. After all, she lost now).

"To God the child was more important." (Prov. 25:20 What a man who takes off his clothes in a cold

day, like vinegar on a wound, the one who sings songs to a sad heart).

"Time heals wounds."

“Remember that God will not give more than you can bear!”

“I understand you perfectly!”

"Where is your faith? I thought you were a believer!"

"You'll be better tomorrow." (But it hurts today).

“Well, don’t hang your nose, and stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Conciliatory needs of mourning

• Recognize the reality of death (weeks to months). Some will repel the reality of death and that is natural, normal. Some will constantly think, talk about the deceased - be patient.
• Do not interfere, do not interfere with this process. Encourage people to talk about the deceased.
• Gradually accept the reality of death, that the loved one will never return.
• Perhaps you will lose.
• Accept the pain of loss (don't be in denial).
• We usually don't want to do this. It is easier to avoid repressing and denying the pain of grief than it is to work with it.
• Working with pain, we learn to reconcile ourselves with it. When a person denies pain or addiction (this person does not know that he is lying, to himself, and to others).

The victim cannot and should not deal with anger or grief alone. Turning to friends and others for help is a necessary resource, not a sign of weakness. People in your community or support group need to understand the impact that the death of a loved one has had on you. You need to understand that in order to heal, a person needs to mourn his loss for a certain time and it will just be there.

Tatiana Pinchuk

(Based on materials by Anton Kolganov, ShKVTs, 10 module)

Loss is one of the most complex elements a life that is hard to come to terms with. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, completion important relationships or major life changes, you need to burn it out. The process of mourning is emotionally costly, but if you are armed with knowledge about the nature of grief and how you can help yourself find peace, this extremely difficult period of life will become a little easier.

Steps

Part 1

Realize the uniqueness of grief

It is important for you to understand that the experience of grief is different for everyone. Nobody experiences grief the way you do. If you feel like you're reacting differently than most people, there's nothing to worry about. Allow yourself to go through all of your unique emotions and embrace your unique experience of pain. There are no identical losses, just as there are no identical reactions to losses.

Realize that the ‘stages’ of the mourning process are not set in stone. The description of the various stages of death offered in this article is based on a study begun by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. Since then, many other psychologists and physicians have added new thoughts and ideas to the stage theory of mourning. It is believed that there are five main stages of grief: denial, anger, internal bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, in reality, the order of passing these stages may be different. Some people go through two or three stages at the same time, and some don't go through any of them. The grieving process is very individual - this article is just offering some guidance to help you deal with what you may be going through.

Realize that there is no specific time frame for the mourning process. Your grief may be with you for weeks or months, or it may take years. What's really important to know is that some days will be better than others. Take each day as it is. One day, when you wake up in the morning, you may feel that the world has come to you regarding what happened. Don't beat yourself up if you wake up feeling sad again the next day - grief comes and goes.

• Some researchers describe the process of mourning as a roller coaster. At first, as with roller coasters, you may feel like you've gone deeper than you really are. However, it is important to remember that after the descent there will be an ascent.

1. Realize that the process of mourning comes in many forms. The concept of grief does not only refer to the experience of the death of a loved one. You may grieve over the end of a relationship or the loss of a beloved pet. It may be the realization that a dream nurtured for years will never come true. Everyone faces their own grief, no matter the cause. Don't be afraid to grieve. Recognize and accept your emotions, and in time you will see that grief will lose its power.

2. Seek comfort in what you believe. This may mean turning to your faith or nature or things you love for support. If you are a follower of a certain religion, seek solace in the rituals and traditions adopted in such cases. Prayer and spiritual meditation can also be a source of peace. If you are a non-religious person, but find peace in the woods or by the sea, go there. Maybe you believe in family ties. Draw strength from everything beautiful and valuable that you believe in and love.

   • List on a piece of paper all the feelings that you would like to be freed from, and then burn this list. In many cultures, fire is a symbol of transformation. Let the fire burn and take away all negative energy with it.